First Memories
by Nebula4
Summary: Buffy and Spike are alone at the Summers', and the First attacks. At first, it seems nothing has happened. But when Buffy and Spike begin to re-enact past events, things turn dangerous. Will Buffy and Spike manage to win, or will they kill each other f


Buffy growled in frustration. They should have been home by now. Didn't they know it was dangerous to be out, especially with the Bringers and vampires about?

"Never were known for your patience, pet," Spike said, not looking up from the book he was reading.

They were waiting for another Potential that was due to arrive at the house any minute now. The Potentials had gone with Xander back to his house for the evening, and Willow, Dawn, Anya, and Andrew had gone off to the bus depot to pick up Giles and two more Potentials. Until they returned, or the other Potential arrived, Spike and Buffy had the house to themselves.

They hadn't said anything to each other much, and were now seated in the living room. Spike was reading a book about demons on one side of the room, and Buffy was tapping her foot impatiently on the other side.

Buffy rolled her eyes and drummed her fingers on the sofa arm. "This is insane. I should be with them! But I don't want the other Potential to arrive and not see a slayer, either."

Spike nodded, never taking his eyes away from the page.

"Spike!"

Spike sighed and put the book down, giving her a pointed glare. "What? Want me to agree with you that this is boring as can be? S'not hard, ya know."

"Ah ha!" Buffy said, pointing her finger at him. "I knew you were bored!"

"What? You really thought I'd read the Watcher's book for fun?"

They shared a grin before Buffy sighed heavily. "I wish something would happen already."

Suddenly the lights turned off. There was a small gasp from Buffy and a startled, "Bloody 'ell!" from Spike as their eyes adjusted to the darkness.

"I didn't mean it literally," Buffy grumbled.

"What happened?"

"How would I know? Where are you? I can't see anything."

"I can see you," Spike's voice called out. He sounded amused.

"This isn't funny, Spike!"

"All right, pet. I'm gonna head downstairs, and see if somethin' went wrong with the switchbo…"

A flash of light cut off the rest of Spike's sentence. Buffy shielded her eyes, then looked up. Her face went from that of shock to horror as she stared at the smiling face of Jenny Calendar.

"Hello, Buffy," she said, her smile still bright.

"Get out of my house," Buffy said through clenched teeth, rising to her feet.

She caught a glimpse of Spike out of the corner of her eye, rising as well. "Take it we're lookin' at the First," he said, curling his fists.

Buffy nodded. "Courtesy of Angelus," she said, grimacing as memories flooded her head.

The First, in Jenny's form, shook its head. "I remember the snap. Hurt, and then, it didn't hurt anymore," it said, smiling softly.

Buffy swallowed the lump that was building in her throat. "Get. Out. Now," she said, her anger rising.

The First growled, then transformed into its true form: a huge, air-like beast with curled horns and glowing red eyes. It roared, and Buffy gasped in pain, clutching her hands to her ears as her eardrums threatened to break.

The First increased the volume on its roar, then lunged forward. It glided straight through Spike and Buffy, slamming them into the wall as the First disappeared and the lights came back on.

Spike slowly crawled over to Buffy. "You all right, luv?" he asked, concerned.

Buffy nodded shakily. "I'm okay. You?"

"Had worse," Spike said with a shrug.

He helped her to her feet then looked around. The room was intact, and the lights were on. Everything looked normal.

"What did it want? The Potentials aren't even here," Buffy said, half to herself.

"Might wanna call Harris and give him and the Potentials a heads up," Spike advised.

Buffy nodded and headed into the kitchen.

She came back a few minutes later, a puzzled look on her face. "They're fine, and Xander said the lights never went out. Didn't even flicker."

Spike didn't say anything, merely continued looking the other way.

"You're a pig, Spike," Buffy said suddenly, getting in fighting stance.

"I wonder what went wrong," Spike said, turning around, an evil smirk on his face. "Were you too strong? Did you bruise the boy? Come to think of it, seems like someone told me that. Who was it? Oh yeah, Angel." His smile was cruel and cold.

Buffy's response was a roundhouse kick, then a punch. They fought and traded blows, until Buffy grabbed his arm. "Take it off me this way, we both burn," he snarled.

"Really? Let's…" Buffy staggered forwards, then looked up at Spike, his face reflecting her own confusion.

"Bloody 'ell," Spike said slowly.

"What was that?" Buffy asked, looking around. "I wasn't in control anymore. And why do I remember saying all of that before?"

Spike paused, frowning as he thought. Finally he snapped his fingers. "The Gem of Amara, 'member? That's when we were fightin'. You were 'bout to take the ring off."

Buffy nodded eagerly. "Yeah, I remember it now. But why did we re-enact it?"

They exchanged glances, before Buffy groaned. Spike rubbed his forehead as he muttered, "The First."

"Great. But I don't understand what it could possibly accomplish by it."

Spike shrugged. "Guess we'll find out soon enough, eh?"

Buffy nodded, scrunching her face up like she'd bitten into something sour. "Yeah. I guess, but what could it possibly…" Her eyes suddenly jerked up at Spike, full of anger and hatred. "That means I get to kill you."

"You get to try," Spike said, his voice strong with venom.

They launched at each other, but Buffy got the upper hand. She punched him in the face, then hit him a few more times, sending him into the sofa. He grinned at her, then leaped up onto the top of the sofa. "At long last," he said, his eyes gleaming. Buffy looked slightly terrified as he launched on top of her. They tumbled to the floor as he held her arms down, Buffy struggling underneath him.

He pulled his head back with a cry, his features twisted in pain. Buffy took her moment and punched him, sending him across the room. He was about to launch himself forward again when he stopped.

Buffy was pulling herself up when she staggered backwards, breathing heavily. She stared at Spike, horrified at the damage she'd done to him. His face was bruised along his left side, and there was a small cut above his eye.

Spike, meanwhile, was staring at the small bruises that were forming on her wrists. They exchanged another glance before she scurried up the stairs, Spike running as fast as he could to the basement.

Buffy slammed the door of her bedroom shut and backed away from it. How could she have done that? Was this what the First was trying to do? Get them to re-enact past events, then have them kill each other? Well, they'd just stay away from each other and be fine. Her mind, however, couldn't push the images of Spike out of her head.

Spike was doing the exact same thing, only while sitting on his cot, shaking.

_I hurt her, I hurt her, I hurt her…_The mantra spun around in his head, as he shut his eyes, willing the images away. He needed to stay away from her…he was a monster, a thing…he'd hurt her again.

Spike shook his head. No! Buffy said she believed in him. Said she wanted him to stay. Was this what the First was trying to do to them? It would fail, by a long shot. He'd make sure of it.

As if to contradict him, the First chose this moment to take control again, leading Spike up the stairs.

He found Buffy in the living room, heading the opposite way. He turned and ran to catch up with her. Grabbing her by the arm, he spun her around, the anger and frustration on his face evident.

"You are not throwin' your life away over this," he said, looking close to tears.

"It's not your choice!"

"Why are you doin' this to yourself?"

Tears gathered in her eyes. "A girl is dead because of me."

"And how many people are alive because of you?" Spike argued. "How many have you saved? One dead girl doesn't tip the scale."

Fury flashed across her face as she retorted, "That's all it is to you, isn't it? Just another body!"

He sighed. "Buffy…"

Her fist met his face, sending him backwards. She tried to punch him twice more, but he blocked each one with ease. She finally connected with his stomach, and Spike hit the floor.

"You can't understand why this is killing me, can you?" Buffy said angrily as Spike climbed to his feet.

"Why don't you explain it?"

She began to throw more punches at him, but this time, he made no effort to block them.

"Come on, that's it, put it on me. Put it all on me," Spike said. She retaliated with a kick. "That's my girl."

"I am not your girl!" she yelled, punching him. Spike went flying and landed on the floor of the dining room.

Within seconds she was on top of him, punching him in the face. "You don't have a soul! There is nothing good or clean in you!" Spike made no attempt to stop her as she continued hitting him, her vision beginning to blur. "You are dead inside! You can't feel anything real! I. Could. Never. Be. Your…" She stopped in mid-sentence, as she stared at horror at Spike.

His face was cut and bruised in so many places, she couldn't even count. He was staring at her now, worried. "Buffy?" he asked softly, his voice sounding slurred.

She rose and backed away, never taking her eyes away from his scarred face. "Buffy?" Spike asked again.

With a strangled sob she ran as fast as she could up the stairs and into the bathroom, locking the door behind her.

Spike hissed as he tried to sit up. Well, if the First's mission was to split the two of them up, it was doing a good job.

Just not good enough. As fast as he dared, he headed up the stairs, in search of Buffy.

All the doors were open, except for one. The bathroom door was locked, with a gleam of light coming out from underneath the door.

Spike knocked. "Buffy? Buffy, luv, answer me, please."

He sighed and headed into Dawn's room. He reached around in her hair basket until he found what he was searching for: a bobby pin. Bending it backwards, he made his way to the bathroom door.

"Buffy, we need to talk." He hoped that he could keep her distracted long enough, so she wouldn't hold the lock in. He'd never get the door open if she did. "It's just the First, luv. We'll find a way, and blast the thing into oblivion, promise." He almost had it…ah! Success. The lock popped, and Spike slowly opened the door.

Buffy was curled up on the floor on the other side of the room, her knees tucked up to her chest, arms wrapped around her head.

Slowly, he lowered himself to the floor and reached out to stroke her shoulder. "Buffy…"

Buffy whimpered and pulled away from his outstretched hand. Spike felt a twinge of hurt as she tried to escape his touch. "Buffy, what's wr…"

"I hurt you," she said. Her voice trembled, and she couldn't hold back her sniffles. "All year, I've been trying to forget it. But I can't. I hurt you, and you were only trying to protect me. I'm sorry, Spike, I'm so sorry…"

He wrapped his arms around her, happy when she didn't shy away from his touch. She cried softly into his shoulder as he whispered, "Shhh, it's all right, pet. It's all right."

"Forgive me, please…" she whispered, clutching onto his shirt as more tears began to fall.

Spike smiled. "I forgave you the moment you laid the first hit. You want it more official like? I forgive you."

Buffy broke down into ragged sobs, as she felt the guilt and burden of what she had done disappear.

When she began to calm, he cupped his hand under her chin and brought her head up, looking her in the eye. "If we're gonna beat this, luv, we gotta stick together."

Buffy shook her head hurriedly. "No! It'll take over, and I'll just hurt you again!"

"It took over and we were so far apart, we couldn't even see each other. Buffy, it wants us torn apart. If we hold tight to each other, we'll beat it. I promise, pet."

Buffy paused, then nodded slowly. "Okay," she said, then winced as she looked at his face. "I'm sorry," she whispered again.

He smiled. "S'really okay, pet," he said, chuckling slightly. "Really. Don't hate you, and I don't love you any less." He was rewarded with a small blush. "C'mon," he said, standing and offering her his hand. "Let's head downstairs and…"

He suddenly pulled his hand back. "Why do you keep lyin' to yourself?"

Buffy quickly stood, looking frustrated. "How many times…" She paused, then continued, trying to calm down. "I have feelings for you. I do. But it's not love. I could never trust you enough for it to be love."

Spike laughed softly. "Trust is for old marrieds, Buffy." She rolled her eyes as he continued. "Great love is wild, and passionate, and dangerous. It burns and consumes."

"Until there's nothing left," Buffy argued. "Love like that doesn't last."

Spike began to pace. "I know you feel like I do. You don't have to hide it anymore."

"Spike, please stop this."

"Let yourself feel it," he whispered, moving towards her. He pulled her to him, despite her pushing.

"No," Buffy said, trying to squirm away.

"You love me."

"Ow! No, stop it!"

He moved forward to kiss her, but she jerked away. "Spike, what are you do…"

She fell to the floor, hissing in pain as she hit the wall on her way down. Spike landed on top of her, holding her down.

"Let it go. Let yourself love me," Spike pleaded.

She managed to get free enough to try to reach the door. He grabbed her ankle and pulled her back, reaching for her clothing.

"Please, please, Spike, please stop…" she sobbed.

His hand stopped in midair, and Buffy's cries stopped at the same moment.

He shrieked in horror and backed away from her. He'd almost done it again. He'd almost…no, no, how could he have? He was a monster. He would always hurt her…

"Spike, NO!" Buffy cried, as he ran out the door. She was on her feet in seconds, racing after him.

Buffy found him in the living room, digging through the weapons chest frantically. "Monster," Spike muttered, tears flowing from his eyes. "Hurt the girl…I'm bad, bad…"

He pulled out a sharp stake and turned the pointed end towards himself. He almost made it to his chest when Buffy tackled him. They wrestled for a few moments before she managed to pry the stake from his fingers. She threw it across the room as he tried to grab it. They struggled for a few moments, before he gave up. He collapsed to the floor, sobbing.

Buffy pulled him into her lap, whispering soothing words into his ear. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry…" he managed to choke out, as he drew a ragged breath.

"It's okay, Spike. I know it was just the First messing with you…"

"It wasn't the First last year," he said, choking, before he began to sob again.

Buffy sighed. "I know," she said quietly. "Spike, I forgave you before you left the room."

Spike sat up quickly, staring at her like she'd gone mad. "Are you insane?" he yelled, tears still coursing down his cheeks. "I tried to…" he gulped and started again. "I tried…tried to…"

Buffy placed her hands on each side of his face. "I'm well aware of what you _tried_ to do," she said. "But you didn't."

"How could you forgive me, after that?" he whispered.

Buffy paused before continuing. "It's easy to forgive someone you care a great deal about. Someone you love," she said, whispering the last sentence.

Spike's vampire hearing picked up on it. "Someone you…" He blinked and stared at her.

"What? Did I grow a second head or something?" Buffy said, forcing a laugh. She sighed as he continued to stare. "Yes, I love you. Are you really surprised, especially after I asked you not to leave?"

Spike started to say something, then thought better of it. He shook his head, not really trusting his voice.

"Besides, what happened to that speech up in the bathroom? About us needing to stick together?"

"Yeah, well, that got called off the minute I laid a hand on you," Spike said, looking down, ashamed.

She brought his chin up and gently laid a kiss on his lips. "We gotta stick together," she said, pulling him to his feet. He smiled slightly at her.

Before she could say anything, however, he asked softly, "When?"

"When what?" she asked, puzzled.

"When did you start loving me?"

Buffy paused, startled. Then she began to smile. "For a long time. Just took me awhile to figure it out, is all."

He returned the smile hesitantly. She wrapped her arms around him and held him, as he tentatively reached around and pulled her to him. He was still shaken by the bathroom encounter, but was calming down every second that they held each other.

Suddenly Buffy shoved him back. "Your job is to kill the slayer. But all you can do is follow me around making moon eyes."

"I'm in love with you," Spike argued.

"You're in love with pain! Admit it. You like me, because you enjoy getting beaten down. So really, who's screwed up?"

"Hello? Vampire!" he said angrily, advancing. Spike halted and stared at her. He turned to leave, fear evident in his eyes. Buffy grabbed his arm and gently pulled him back.

"No," she said softly. "We're gonna beat this, you and me. I promise." She wrapped her arms around him and clung to him with a fierce determination. The First would NOT take them down.

He followed suit, the same determined look on his face. If she wasn't giving up, then neither was he.

Without warning, they were bombarded by images as the First tried to get them to play as its puppets.

_"I hate you," Buffy said, pulling her hand back for another punch._

"And I'm all you've got."

"You are one step away, missy."

"Giles, help! He's going to scold me."

Spike growled and lunged for her, only to be held back by the chains.

"Come on. I can feel it, slayer. You know you want to dance."

"Say it's true. Say I do want to." Buffy shoved him to the ground.

"It wouldn't be you, Spike. It would never be you."

Spike looked up, slightly bewildered.

"You're beneath me."

Buffy shut her eyes as she clung to Spike. She could've sworn she could see a dark swarm engulfing her and Spike. She could feel Spike tighten his grip on her.

_They traded punches, before Spike said, "I wasn't planning on hurting you…much." He grinned wickedly._

"You haven't even come close to hurting me," she retorted.

"'Fraid to give me the chance?"

_"I can't love you. I'm just being weak…and selfish…"_

"Really not complainin' here, luv."

"…And it's killing me."

Spike stared at her, not understanding.

"I have to be strong about this."

Spike's eyes widened in realization as she said softly, "I'm sorry…William."

"So everything's okay, right?" he said, slowly draping himself on the cross.

His flesh began to burn as Buffy watched in horror, tears sliding from her eyes. "Can…can we rest now? Buffy, can we rest?"

Buffy could feel wetness on her head, and knew Spike was crying. She couldn't blame him; she was, too.

The darkness was now close to crushing them. Still they refused to give in, holding tightly to each other, despite the past images and memories.

How much longer would they be able to hold on? Buffy was sure she wouldn't be able to last much longer. And from the way Spike was shaking, she didn't think he'd make it for much longer, either.

The front door opened, as Willow dashed in. She gasped as she took in the scene in front of her.

Spike and Buffy were clinging to each other for dear life as a dark cloud surrounded the couple. Suddenly they collapsed to the floor, still refusing to let go. They were weakening by the second.

Willow frowned in concentration. "_Ibenous estricumus!_"__

The dark cloud slowly lifted away from the couple, then vanished.

"You two okay?" Willow asked, with a worried frown.

Buffy and Spike turned towards her. "We are now," Buffy said, sounding shaken. "Thanks."

Willow nodded. "I saw the blackness from outside. Kinda stuck out from the bright light of the lamps."

"Where's everyone else?" Spike asked.

"Coming. I kinda left 'em in the dust," Willow said, grinning sheepishly.

"We appreciate it," Buffy said, still not releasing her hold on Spike. "I don't think we would've lasted much longer."

Willow nodded. "Tell me all about it later. The two of you look exhausted, and you're gonna get bombarded with questions if you keep the close contact up."

Spike nodded sadly, slowly letting Buffy go.

Buffy, it seemed, had other ideas. She stood, pulling Spike to his feet and kissed him gently. "Let them come," Buffy said, giving Spike a reassuring smile. "I'm tired of hiding."

"You really wanna deal with this now?" Willow asked, noticing that their hands were still shaking.

Buffy exchanged a long glance with Spike, before turning back to Willow. "Could you hold 'em off until we get upstairs?"

Willow nodded, hurrying to the door as voices drifted in from the front yard.

Buffy grabbed Spike's hand and the two quickly ran up the stairs into her room.

Willow smiled as she heard the bedroom door close. "May you two be happy," she whispered.

THE END

Author's Note: All the words from the actual episodes were found at BuffyWorld.com. Thanks a bunch!


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